Conversación intervenida III

Ishtar Terra

– You come from a strain I have not experienced yet.

– If we find a desire that is mutual...

– I'm an animal, I need to put my nose on your neck, feel your warmth, listen to the tone of your voice...

– That sounds mutual. But don't get too excited, I have my defaults, I have used too many of my nine lives and my future is a complete gamble.

– You sound like a human being.

– You sound like you want to fall in love.

– That's why you chose me. I'm willing to be vulnerable, I won't hurt you. 

– You know, my family is pretty fucked up.

– My family makes me want to run away.

– I've been trying to escape from the war between my parents.

– I wanted them not to see me as the second version of my death sister.

– I tried to fix the situation, but it became worse. Now I feel guilty.

– Guilty of living my life. They feel I betrayed their faith. 

– Happy new year.

– Will you come back?

– I will come back.

*  *  *

Your scent was still pulsating in my skin when I arrived to my parents house. I felt furiously alive. I should have stayed with you until dawn, but instead of choosing us, I relinquished to my old loyalties. And I regret it profoundly.

   We had only two earth days, so I decided to enjoy your presence without the interference of judgment and expectation. I read the signs around us and connected them with the trail of stars in the silence of my heart. Then you turned into distance and your absence became a blank space, peaceful and soft. A few days later, the sound of your name emerged from the white fog like the call of a lighthouse. Uncountable times a day. The root of my soul emitted your syllables as a sonar searching for life in an inert planet. 

   Your name. Primal thought in the morning, first star of the dusk. Inescapable spark in the middle of a noisy street. Tangible mantra, beating of the light, basal whisper of my breath.
   I discovered that your name and my sign were synchronised in more than one frequency. I sensed you were named after a spacecraft that brought to sight Ishtar Terra (the northern continent of Venus, where a day is longer than a year). Ishtar, the goddess I am devoted to. It is no pure chance your compass has the same layout of that tattoo in my back. Symbols are thresholds. 

   After your name, your presence arouse from the pond of my visions, so vivid and warm as a caress of sun in winter. As your laughter reverberated in my flesh, I awoke from a thousand year slumber.

   You said it was not a good idea, but we did it anyway. That warning in your eyes. I guess you were saying something like "I want to give myself entirely but I am afraid you will fall in love". I accepted, you too. That was our tacit agreement. It happened as it was destined and I received the most beautiful gift one can get. Many times in my life I had given myself to my lovers, but not once a lover had given himself to me. Until you did. And it was so pure, so pristine and mighty... For the first time in my life I felt the sacred masculine making honour to the source of life. 

   You didn't come to me looking for a missing part, you don't expect me to fill that gap. You came to reveal in me a new way of falling in love. I feel no anguish and no anxiety, even if the animal in me wants to grow in love with you for a good Venusian week. Now I know how it feels to receive light and meaning from a brave man.  

*  *  *

You said your future was a gamble, didn't you? Well, I bet for you.